I Don't Trust God!

As the title of this blog says, I don't trust God. I like to say I do, but my actions and thoughts would prove otherwise. I don't trust that He wants what's best for me or that He will take care of me and my family. He always has but for some reason my heart does not trust. Just as the Philippians sent Paul gifts and helpers (Philippians 4:10-20), many people have blessed my family and helped us greatly. Yet, I stress out, lose sleep and physically make myself sick with worry. Why? Why, don't I trust the One who is and always has been faithful?

In Isaiah 41:10 we read:

fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

This seems like a great verse, even taken out of context but the context makes it even more beautiful. Isaiah was writing to the exiled Jews help in captivity in Babylon. He was telling them that God is enough! I’m not in captivity! I live in the most free nation in the history of the world. So again, why don’t I trust Him?

I've been unemployed for over 5 months and have yet to miss a single meal or experience any need, even by spoiled American standers. I've gone from making about $1,000 a week to receiving an unemployment check for $460 a week. My wife is pregnant with our 5th child and gas prices are starting to look more like telephone numbers. Yet, in all this I have had no need. We have been blessed by a great many people in many ways. Our friends have given us literally thousands of dollars to keep our bills paid and one friend recently paid to replace the breaks on our van. I'm still losing sleep on an ever increasing basis.

The job market is overcrowded with people far more experienced that I am, who are willing and/or able to work for far less than I am. I've had no luck finding anything that would even pay what I make on unemployment, let alone enough to support a family of 7. Every month I worry more and more and find new things to worry about. What will happen when our daughter is born next month? What if we lose our house? Would we lose custody of my oldest daughter? Would we end up homeless? Would our family have to split up and go live with various friends? I, not God, I need to know. It sounds dumb to say and certainly looks crazy written here, but it's the lie I believe.

David talks so beautifully about his stress in Psalm 61, "You have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy." Peter also gives great advice to pastors (though I think it applies to all of us) in 1 Peter 5:6-7, " Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you." This is the key to my sin! HUMBLE yourselves!!! I don't trust God because I'm arrogant and think I need to know what's going on and be in control of it. I don't trust God because I think I'm god.

The truth is, no matter what happens with my job situation or my life, Christ is enough. He is all I truly need and He has provided greatly for me. He has given me many earthly blessings but those are not what I'm referring to. He has done so much more, He's called me, He's paid the price for my sin, He's met every temporal and eternal need I have ever had. I'm a fool for not trusting Him. This has just been a honest look at where I'm at and how I'm feeling. It's been a bit rambling but so are my thoughts. My sin is knowing the truth and exchanging it for lie. If you're a Christian reading this, please pray that I would get over myself and focus on Christ and put my faith where it belongs.